Plants, they're just like us!!
I had no idea what I was doing.
I went to an event at The Wing the other night hosted by The Sill. (They deliver plants to your door ~amazing~.) Also great—they will answer ANY questions about your plant by sending them a picture and your concerns to firstname.lastname@example.org, even if you didn't buy your plant from them.
The biggest thing I learned at this event was that I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING WITH PLANTS.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR PLANT ALIVE:
1. DEATH BY WATER
Water is the easiest way to kill a plant. Signs of overwatering include bright taxicab yellow leaves and dry soil. REMEMBER: It's easier to bring a plant back to life when it's underwatered, almost impossible if it's overwatered. The Sill recommended, "when in doubt, let it wilt."
2. Sunlight is food.
Check out this fancy hand-chart-method-thing to make sure your plant is getting enough food!
3. Plants are human.
Are you hot? So is your plant. Hate sitting in water and getting pruny? Your plant too. Hate when someone uproots your life and changes everything? Same same. Treat you plant as you would like to be treated.
4. Soil is not dirt.
Who the f*ck knew? The best soil to get for your plant is just plain old regular potting soil. They recommended to stay clear of "extra exorbitant" or anything other fancy kind.
5. LAVA ROCKS
If your like me and put your plant in any empty vessel you can find in your apartment then this is important. If your vessel of choice is without drainage you need some lava rocks. Put them at the bottom so that when you're watering it, the rocks can sock up the excess and the roots won't drown.
Hooray for plant life!